2007-2017 ZCF XI
Posted: Fri Dec 01, 2017 6:26 pm
To celebrate ten years of ZCF, I thought it only fitting to name an all-time ZCF XI, plus a few hangers-on.
1. hhm/bavuma_rabada/pariah: Hates being forced to open by coach maehara as he averages a paltry 8.32 at the top of the order - any idiot could see that if he were batting in the middle order he would average 83.20. Always calling for an all-black team but also for whites, particularly eugene, to open the batting. Has been a Mugabe loyalist for a long time, possibly since August 2017.
2. bayhaus: In true ZCF fashion, both indigenous players in the squad are opening. Prefers to bat wearing a tin-foil helmet and has an uncanny knack for predicting the next ZCF scandal, whether it be ZIMDOGGYs drug drealing, sloandog's alcoholism, or maehara making people disappear.
3. CrimsonAvenger: The most prolific contributor to the ZCF XI with over 7,000 runs and thus occupying the all-important No.3 position. Always get the rub of the green from umpires, rumour has it he has incriminating photos of most in the cricket world.
4. brmtaylor.com admin: After playing boozers cricket in the UK for a few seasons, has walked back into the team despite having no notable performances. Has largely failed since his return but is still the fan favourite. Admittedly has to face the new ball early on due to the incompetence of the current openers. Believes the team should largely be selected on the basis of opinion polls.
5. Jemisi: Another prolific run scorer much in the Crimson mold. Maehara made him disappear for a while, but whatever punishment was dished out seems to have done the trick, so really all credit should go to maehara and not whoever this Jemisi guy is. Is the test captain since no one cares about test cricket.
6. eugene: Bats at six as that is clearly the toughest position in the order and eugene is clearly the best player on the team. Is always keen to recruit new members to the ZCF XI but has problems limiting it to only eleven! The ODI captain since that is the most important format.
7. ZIMDOGGY: Drunk, on steroids, it is a wonder ZIMDOGGY can contribute much of anything to the ZCF XI, but he has harnessed his addictions to become a lower order power hitter, a role he mistakenly believes he invented before anyone else. Not the greatest fielder so in true Zimbabwe fashion is put behind the stumps - what better place to hide poor fielding!
8. Googly: The leading spinner in ZCF, googly spends most of his time predicting the demise of the team yet here we are 10 years later. Googly also has a good eye for up and coming cricketing talent, not that newcomers are ever welcome in the ZCF XI.
9. Train Driver: A steady pace bowler who can chug in all day if called upon. Seems to particularly enjoy bowling bouncers in the nets at hhm/bavuma_rabada/pariah and ZIMDOGGY. Provides great veteran leadership for the team even if he goes missing occasionally.
10. sloandog: Has lost all of his pace due to injuries and drinking, but somehow still makes the team despite boasting a Panyangara-like physique. Rumour has it that sloandog was a bright young cricketing star until he fell under the deviant influence of ZIMDOGGY.
11. jaybro: A bowler with few original ideas but is very effective at mimicking what the bowler at the other end has just bowled the over before. Like Train Driver, seems to particularly enjoy launching bouncers at hhm/bavuma_rabada/pariah.
Coach: maehara: The glorious leader of the ZCF team, maehara is a man of few words but can make anyone disappear so is greatly feared. His list of victims is long - hhm, Jemisi, hhm, watermelon, hhm, ZIMDOGGY, hhm...
Doctor: Dr_Situ(ZimFanatic): Formerly a great spin bowler, Dr Situ gave up the rigours of bowling three overs per match after the part-timers had been bowled-out for the rather more relaxing team doctor position. Most of his time is spent trying to keep the guys out of the local KFC.
Manager: aydee: Aydee provides a steady presence as manager and stays mostly behind the scenes. He is like the management version of Jemisi.
Selector: Kriterion_BD The man responsible for an all-white team, except for two indigenous openers. Not a strong believer in ZCF cricket in general or even a fan. Why is he in the job? Where is anusha_gamage? He/she would make a much better selector.
Groundstaff: foreignfield: Does a steady job preparing wickets to best suit the German cricket team.
Fan: zimfan1: Every team has fans, well except for the ZCF XI which only has one fan - zimfan1. Eagerly awaits the day that zimfan2 or maybe even zimfan3 appears.
1. hhm/bavuma_rabada/pariah: Hates being forced to open by coach maehara as he averages a paltry 8.32 at the top of the order - any idiot could see that if he were batting in the middle order he would average 83.20. Always calling for an all-black team but also for whites, particularly eugene, to open the batting. Has been a Mugabe loyalist for a long time, possibly since August 2017.
2. bayhaus: In true ZCF fashion, both indigenous players in the squad are opening. Prefers to bat wearing a tin-foil helmet and has an uncanny knack for predicting the next ZCF scandal, whether it be ZIMDOGGYs drug drealing, sloandog's alcoholism, or maehara making people disappear.
3. CrimsonAvenger: The most prolific contributor to the ZCF XI with over 7,000 runs and thus occupying the all-important No.3 position. Always get the rub of the green from umpires, rumour has it he has incriminating photos of most in the cricket world.
4. brmtaylor.com admin: After playing boozers cricket in the UK for a few seasons, has walked back into the team despite having no notable performances. Has largely failed since his return but is still the fan favourite. Admittedly has to face the new ball early on due to the incompetence of the current openers. Believes the team should largely be selected on the basis of opinion polls.
5. Jemisi: Another prolific run scorer much in the Crimson mold. Maehara made him disappear for a while, but whatever punishment was dished out seems to have done the trick, so really all credit should go to maehara and not whoever this Jemisi guy is. Is the test captain since no one cares about test cricket.
6. eugene: Bats at six as that is clearly the toughest position in the order and eugene is clearly the best player on the team. Is always keen to recruit new members to the ZCF XI but has problems limiting it to only eleven! The ODI captain since that is the most important format.
7. ZIMDOGGY: Drunk, on steroids, it is a wonder ZIMDOGGY can contribute much of anything to the ZCF XI, but he has harnessed his addictions to become a lower order power hitter, a role he mistakenly believes he invented before anyone else. Not the greatest fielder so in true Zimbabwe fashion is put behind the stumps - what better place to hide poor fielding!
8. Googly: The leading spinner in ZCF, googly spends most of his time predicting the demise of the team yet here we are 10 years later. Googly also has a good eye for up and coming cricketing talent, not that newcomers are ever welcome in the ZCF XI.
9. Train Driver: A steady pace bowler who can chug in all day if called upon. Seems to particularly enjoy bowling bouncers in the nets at hhm/bavuma_rabada/pariah and ZIMDOGGY. Provides great veteran leadership for the team even if he goes missing occasionally.
10. sloandog: Has lost all of his pace due to injuries and drinking, but somehow still makes the team despite boasting a Panyangara-like physique. Rumour has it that sloandog was a bright young cricketing star until he fell under the deviant influence of ZIMDOGGY.
11. jaybro: A bowler with few original ideas but is very effective at mimicking what the bowler at the other end has just bowled the over before. Like Train Driver, seems to particularly enjoy launching bouncers at hhm/bavuma_rabada/pariah.
Coach: maehara: The glorious leader of the ZCF team, maehara is a man of few words but can make anyone disappear so is greatly feared. His list of victims is long - hhm, Jemisi, hhm, watermelon, hhm, ZIMDOGGY, hhm...
Doctor: Dr_Situ(ZimFanatic): Formerly a great spin bowler, Dr Situ gave up the rigours of bowling three overs per match after the part-timers had been bowled-out for the rather more relaxing team doctor position. Most of his time is spent trying to keep the guys out of the local KFC.
Manager: aydee: Aydee provides a steady presence as manager and stays mostly behind the scenes. He is like the management version of Jemisi.
Selector: Kriterion_BD The man responsible for an all-white team, except for two indigenous openers. Not a strong believer in ZCF cricket in general or even a fan. Why is he in the job? Where is anusha_gamage? He/she would make a much better selector.
Groundstaff: foreignfield: Does a steady job preparing wickets to best suit the German cricket team.
Fan: zimfan1: Every team has fans, well except for the ZCF XI which only has one fan - zimfan1. Eagerly awaits the day that zimfan2 or maybe even zimfan3 appears.
